The Alighieri School of Fandom
by altertalian-doodle
Summary: Welcome to the Alighieri School of Fandom. I'm from class Heta-8. The magical box me and a few other guys were working on, uh, brought some Hetalia characters over to the real world, so prepare for some (many) fanatical USUK shippers and extreme ship wars. Reality AU sort of thing. ! CURRENTLY ACCEPTING PAIRING REQUESTS !
1. Intros and Tacos

I was sick a while ago, so I was like 'fuck everything Imma write something new'

I apologize beforehand if anybody takes insult at anything.

Disclaimer: memes

* * *

Marble columns, white arches, a disturbing amount of people holding cups of instant ramen.

This is the Alighieri School of Fandom.

I'm Jennifer Yao. Class Heta-8, connoisseur of memes and anime.

It's like a normal school, really. Classes, tests that make you wish for death. We learn about normal subjects, like History, and we still have to take the fucking AP.

But we're organized by current interest. We stay together, learn together, and suffer the terror of the MMD teacher together. Together, we learn the fine arts. You know, writing fanfiction, roleplaying, that stuff. If you plan on doing something crazy, then you do it with the people accompanying you in the trash can. If you lose interest in your fandom, you leave.

And in this school almost anything is possible. Try me.

The whole Harry Potter fanbase crashed Universal Studios last summer.

Some people in The Mortal Instruments managed to create a recipe for vampirism... And we ended up having to sweep up some ashes.

People from class Re-19(1) died. And woke up tomorrow.

Me and some other people are working on reifying APH characters, and it's actually working sort of ok. A few days ago we managed to summon Herr Shtick.

We got our own little spot in the engineering room for it. There's me, this Aaron guy, and some girl whose name I purposefully forgot. The fanatical USUK shipping one over there.

Oh, fuck. I think Aaron stabbed her with a calligraphy pen. "Don't worry, man, I don't like her either. Did you draw any blood?"

He was like "It's not red ink."

And I was like "No, I mean did you by stabbing her hit a vein and cause whoever she is to bleed."

"No. We should get lunch."

I'm pretty sure that was code for : Let's haul ass before someone finds out.

* * *

Each day a different fandom makes the meals. Unless it's one of those tiny ones, like Twilight, then they're provided money to buy loads of Cup Noodle or something.

It was Shingeki no Kyojin(2) this time. We got bread and potatoes. Not the best food, but made it a hell lot easier to locate my friend James. He's in Kyojin-4 and mostly multifandomal, though recently he got stuck in the SnK dumpster.

"Nya, 睫毛!" He's in the back eating a potato with butter. Ew, sour cream is way better.

"Marie called me a rotten papaya." I stare at him. "And then I called her a 小人." He continued. We walk over to an empty lunch table.

Marie's my friend from Anato-7. "But the insult won't really work, because she _is_ short."

"Yeah, but if I put enough _passion_ into it, people'll know I mean it as a insult." He returned.

I did a 'what the hell' motion"But it's still not an insult. It's like calling someone a soft grape."

"She called me _a rotten papaya_! It's like the same thing!"

"Okay, rotten papayas are gross, like soft grapes, and you. But nobody will understand it as an insult because people don't insult others by comparing them to decomposing fruit. Instead, they be less creative dumbasses and call them 'asshole' or something."

"Did you call me gross? I thought you were my friend." He declared quite dramatically.

"YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, JAMES."

He gasped "How did you know?!"

Now, before someone accuses me of bullying or something, this is a normal conversation. We get a kick out of insulting each other and 87% of the time we're kidding.

A pair of extremely white hands landed on James's shoulders."Hey James, did you watch Genshiken yet?"

"Ughh no, Connor, I have homework. Oh yeah, during winter break my mom caught me watching anime."

We laugh. "What did she say?"

"So she was like 'What the hell are you doing?'" He imitated in a bad Indian accent. "And I was like 'nothing'."

"Wow."

I turned around "ALL HAIL THE MEME LORD FOR SHE IS PRESENT and when the hell did you get here?"

Emiko was like "Five minutes ago." She's in Class Kiznai-12(3)

"Did you get the potatoes."

"Aiya they didn't have sour cream!" Marie yelled while running over to us. "James, you're still a rotten papaya."

"小人!"

And then I attempted to split them up "Okay, let's shut up and agree on the fact that you're both hemorrhoidal baguettes."

"Callipygian (4)!"

"Nyeh!"

That failed. "Emiko, you know where Angelica is?"

"Eh, she's probably in detention or something."

"We have detention here?"

She shrugged "Well, she slapped this guy during Physics so she's in kind of serious trouble."

"Well then. I'm going to annoy some people in Sword Art. Tell her I said hi, and that sour cream-less potatoes are horrible."

* * *

Not as much annoy, as to talk to my bro Emily, who actually likes Sword Art Online. To be fair, it's one that's pretty polarized, you either like it or hate it, and I happened to be on the hating side. "Ne ne Doitsu!"

"Jen! Ugh, I totally hate that Oberon guy I just want him to DIE already!"

"... Are you watching Fairy Dance?" Kill me now why do I even know this.

"YES of course I thought you watched it too."

"Just to where the manga ends."

"I haven't read the manga, where're you talking about?"

I thought back a little bit "Uuuh, when Kiroto and Leafa leave the village thing to go to the tree..."

"Okay but just UUGHH I want to fast forward to the end of this arc but I'll miss stuff and whatever."

Whatever happened to Death Note? At least I liked that one, until volume eight became too boring. "Oh yeah, did I tell you France is probably gay?"

"Whyyy? He's so hot..."

Initiating facepalm. Go, hand, meet face _comeoncomeoncomeon gogogogogoMOVE._ Insert little slappy sound. Nice to meet you, hand! You too, face! Facepalm completed.

"Jen, you should actually watch the anime."

Insert eyeroll here "That's why you have classmates to talk to. And yergh, Kiroto is a total man whore."

"I don't like anyone in my class."

"That's your problem. Listen, I'm done with my food, so I'll be going to the engineering room."

I guess Aaron had some stuff to do, so it was just me and USUK girl, who was off in the corner reading a doujinshi. Mental note to not look at the cover.

A blonde girl threw the doors open and yelled "I BROUGHT TACOS!" Meet my roommate, Sake. That's not actually her name, but everyone's called her that for so long that we don't even know her real name anymore.

Andbutso my slightly hyperactive roommate wheeled in one of those roller things with a box of Taco Bell on top. Though I don't see why she couldn't have just carried the box.

"I hope you got soft ones."

"Yeah, I do." She held one out, moving it away when I reached for it.

"Dude, I want my taco."

"Promise me you'll update your story in the next few days."

Oh, yeah. I'm taking the fanfiction class, so we're required to post stories online. Sake reads mine. "Okay, okay I will. AoT cooked today, so they had buttered potatoes. No sour cream. It was horrible. Just give me my taco."

"Bitch, no. Swear you'll update in two days."

I groaned "Okay, fine, I swear I'll work on the next chapter after classes. I'm almost done. Now give me my fucking taco."

She threw me the box. "Give me the crunchy ones when you're done."

Sake left, leaving me with a box of tacos and USUK girl "You want some soft tacos?"

"Sure, why not."

* * *

(1) Re: Zero fandom

(2) aka. Attack on Titan

(3) Kiznaiver

(4) Marie only says it to troll others since they don't know what it means.

睫毛 (jie mao)- eyelash (it sounds like James!)

小人 (xiao ren)- literally small person, which is how James means it, but used as an expression calling someone selfish or bad.

Not much Hetalia, but don't worry! It's coming! And will come sooner if you review!


	2. Nation Box

Herp derp. I can't update my other Story in Progress (Shots of War) because my computer died and I can't find the file I saved the chappie on. Beware of Asian stereotypes.

Disclaimer: *bad Donald Trump voice* Jina~

* * *

 _Snip, snip_

"Okay, try it now."

USUK girl pressed a button on the machine, or as we call it, Boardus von Cardberg, and fed it a box set of Hetalia manga. It whirred a little, making those sounds similar to a computer starting up, with the little clicks. Then it died down.

"Should we restart?"

"No, wait. It's heating up."

Then we heard a loud bang within the box and we flipped the fuck out. I dived into the corner of the room. USUK girl kind of just curled up where she was. "How is that possible?! The box is only five by five!"

"Well, if you haven't noticed in the many years you've been here, this place is crazy. Or maybe we just created some sort of limbo in that thing."

There was another banging sound, a few knocks, and muffled cursing. "Whatever this is, it's human. Probably." I added.

"Probably?!" USUK girl grabbed a PVC pipe from a nearby work table.

I had a death grip on the paring knife I used in place of a box cutter "Personified nations aren't human. Nor are Pictonians. Or mochis. And they all speak McDonald's! I think! And curse!"

Not the best time for memes, but 'McDonald's' is easier to say than 'American English' and still gets the point across.

More knocking and intelligible curses in... German, probably. And a few Chinese phrases."There's more than one person in that thing." Add in some French.

"Should we open it?" We hear something, definitely McDonald's.

And so one of the worst choices in my life came into existence.

"Okay."

We went to opposite sides of the box, where the latches were. _One, two, three._ We flipped them open.

The cover got pushed open by a very disgruntled German, and a bunch of other nations piled on top of him.

"Bloody- get off!"

"Amerika, stop touching my ass."

"Uh, sorry..." America didn't sound that remorseful, now that I think about it.

"Vee~"

"My back..."

"Aiya! I'm older than you and I don't have back problems!"

USUK girl just sat there looking from America to England, back and forth, like a rabid dog or something. Oh hell no, man, not after a possibly traumatizing box experience.

I dragged her away from the nation pile. "Godammit, USUK girl. We gotta put this place on lockdown or something before they're surrounded by fangirls!"

"My name is Ashley."

"Whatever, get water and cup ramen from the Dinner hall. Lots of it. I have a feeling we'll be staying in here for a while." I steered her to the door and shut it. "Recite the beginning of Pub & Go when you get back. Hurry."

I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that there's no window on the door. So I started texting James.

'come over to the engineering room i need serious help'

'im testing out 3d maneuver gear right now'

'Saraf (1) im the only one standing between a personified nation pile and crazy fangirls'

He didn't reply, so he's either being eaten by a titan or on his way. Probably the latter. Then I messaged Angelica, Sake, and some other people.

Sake's bringing more tacos, and Angelica got out of her detention thing with an old school razor... I really don't want to know how she did that. Marie was stuck watching a Grey's Anatomy marathon, and Connor's bringing a book on analytical manifolds, whatever the fuck that is. I swear, he's an egg (2). Emiko was working on a MAP(3) with some other people.

Bring it on, world. I'm fucking ready for the fanpocalypse.

* * *

So it's thirty minutes in, the squad's over, but USUK girl still isn't here. I'm really tempted to drill a peephole in the door, but I don't want to replace it... I grab a drill and turn it on. Just a small hole... Oh god there's a crowd outside. Godammit, person, get over here already.

A while later she's running over with some people. "Ore no namae wa Igirisu da. Seishiki meishou wa 'Gureeto Buriten oyobi hokubu Airurando Rengou Oukoku'. Ato de tesuto ni dasu kara na! Bleh, whatever, I brought some people. And I got the stuff"

"One of them better be Aaron. Otherwise, take out the Hetalians."

"Why?"

"I don't want the countries to be freaked out. I already sort of explained the situation but I was waiting for you. And Aaron's the only other one in our little box group."

After some negotiating USUK girl brought in a pack of water, ramen, and three or four people. "So why are we stuck in here?"

"We're waiting out the crowd, which might take a long time. Someone help me carry the work table."

"You are not going to blockade the door. How are we going to get more food?"

I motion to the window. "We go through the window. Chances are, it won't open all the way but we'll figure something out later."

Germany cleared his throat "Uhm, can you explain what's going on now?"

USUK girl was amazed "He can talk without an accent?!"

I facepalm "He's a nation, he can do anything. 'Murica, do the Donald Trump."

America does the OK hand sign, squints, and puckers his lips. "Jina~"

"See? Your argument is now invalid. Now, you personified country life forms, what happened is that we made Boardus von Cardberg, which sort of transported you over here. We are currently under siege by some... Uh, people who are really bent on seeing you guys. We'll be fine. Most likely. So basically, we wait this thing out, make sure you guys will be fine, and then we can have some intense UN meeting-type discussion over what happens next or something."

"Would it be a good idea to tell them they're in the real world?" Sake asks me in a low tone.

"I'm not going to break the fourth wall for them." I shrug.

Russia coughs. "So, uh, what do we do now?"

"We wait. You can go find a way to lift the meme ban."

And so we wait. Connor talks to the Asian countries about analytic manifolds, which they actually seem to understand. England somehow burned water ("It spontaneously combusted!"), America watched Ben Shapiro Thug Life with Russia, and Italy made pasta with the ramen noodle and some alfredo sauce he had on himself. Russia actually tried to lift the meme ban at one point, but he got an earful from Putin's secretary.

"Hey, Angelica... So how did you get out of detention?"

"Okay, so you texted me, and the teacher person just handed me that old school razor." She holds it out. "I guess he thought I would have to fight through the crowd or something..."

James was pretty incredulous "I thought you killed someone since you said 'got out with a razor'"

Sake, being reasonable, replied "You would have if you came over now."

I turn over to USUK girl "Hey, you, did we call Aaron over yet?"

"My name is Ashley!"

"Okay, but is he coming."

"He's boarded up in his dorm 'cause everyone's asking him about this."

"Go talk to him. He's probably freaking out."

She rolls her eyes "You do it."

* * *

Meanwhile, the nations clumped together in a corner, all disoriented over their current predicament. China and Japan had bonded with the young German-American man, with whom they were currently discussing complicated math stuff.

France and England were having a small cat fight, which everyone ignored mainly because it was fairly common for them to do so.

Italy was making more ramen-pasta, while his brother complained about the weirdness of it.

Prussia tried to troll people without much success, and Germany continued to chew him out for it.

Russia was suffering from a small cold, since his boss was wrecking the economy by beefing up his military. He just sat in the corner, coughing at times.

America was concerned for the Russian, because okay, okay, he'll admit it... He kind of liked him. Besides, negative economic growth! That can't be good for anyone! No wonder he was freaking everyone out.

But he needs to address the bigger problem, which is that Russia won't respond to any of his advances. At all. Is he getting friendzoned? Does he not like him? Oh god, what if Putin used his homophobe powers to brainwash him? He's an ex-KGB dude, for fuck's sake!

Okay, okay, he should calm down... Where the fuck is Mattie? Fuck, what if he's battling martians by himself? What if North Korea tried to bomb him? Hell, what if China did a trading embargo on him- no, wait, China's right here, so he can't do that, but still! Nobody hurts his sweet little bro!

"whAT HAPPENED TO MATTIE?!"

The Asian girl with the paring knife grabs him by the shoulders "Dude, chill, he's fine. We can call him over if you want... Probably."

"BUT WHAT IF ETHIOPIA THREATENS HIM? I SHOULD BE PROTECTING HIM!" He shrieks, gesticulating wildly.

Russia grabs his hand. "Trust me, he'll be alright. Your brother is stronger than you think."

America starts to blush a deep red. "... But... What if he needs my help?"

"He'll be fine."

The Asian kid runs over to the fanatical shipping one. "You think Monsieur Cardberg can do another round?"

"It should be Herr, actually, 'cause Cardberg isn't French. I guess it'll work, but we need some Hetalia."

* * *

(1) James's last name... He's Indian!

(2) White on the outside, yellow on the inside.

(3) Multi-artist project

I'm feeling pretty chill, so I'll be accepting suggestions for pairings! This includes OCs and stuff.

Don't forget to review! It keeps me happy~

Edit: Guest-kun has reminded me: PM me your suggestions, doing it on reviews sort of breaks ff rules


	3. April Fools Special

AaAAAAaahhhhhhGGGGHHHHHH MY JAW IS SO SORE

Whatever enjoy this April Fools extra

Disclaimer: nope except for the beauty that is memes

* * *

"Jennifer, WTF are you doing..?"

"Duct taping the doorways, Connor. You should try it sometimes, people's reactions are hilarious." She continued to cover the doorway with clear masking tape.

"Aiya, you're supposed to put it higher. This is like, shin height. Not even Marie's that short."

 _Emiko, that's the point. So everyone can walk into it._

"Shut up, Meme Lord. If I put it higher, people would see it and duck. If they're really short, they'll just walk under it. If it's like shin height then everyone can trip on it... Are there still any tacos left?"

"Just the crunchy ones."

After a marginally lengthy mourning of the lack of soft tacos, Connor asked "Why are you doing this? Someone could, I don't know, break an arm or something..."

"I really don't care if someone cracks their head open due to this because I'm an asshole and a troll. And that would be hella funny."

The trio then stood, or in Jen's case, sat, in total silence only broken by sounds of scissors and tape.

After the duct taping of every other doorway in the East wing, which was newly built and windowless to protect the remaining vampiristic students, Jennifer ran over to the Lunch Hall, where Sake probably was. For some reason, Emiko and Connor felt like following.

"SaAAAAAKKEEEeeeeeeeeeee!"

The blonde, hyperactive roommate turned around "Yeah what."

"Why'd you eat all the soft tacos? You make me sad..."

"Bitch, update your story." She demanded

"But I have, like, homework, and stuff, and I can't just sit at my computer and immediately churn out fifteen hundred words of Hetalia fanfic..."

"I dunno, get a beta or something. But you haven't added a new chapter since THREE WEEKS AGO."

"I'm almost done! Like really!"

Connor butted in "Come on, Jen, you should have updated two weeks ago."

"Ugh, I hate you too. And you, because you're staring at me weird." She added to the person sitting across from them.

"By tomorrow, 'kay?"

"Nyuuuuu... Fine."

Andbutso when night classes started Jennifer, Connor, and Marie were out in the East Wing, looking for the poor shmucks that fell victim to the duct tape. Emiko was... Somewhere... A K-pop concert, maybe.

"I heard footsteps down that hall. We should- Jen what are you doing."

She was typing furiously on her phone "Working on my fanfic chapter."

"We're trying to see if any vampires got stuck in duct tape here!"

"And you told me to finish this godammed piece of shit chapter. Not to mention my computer broke again."

"Aiya, then you get a new one." Marie butted in

"Yeah, BUT, I'm poor... I should actually get a shirt that says that... that would be cool... Trolls (1)..." Jennifer drifted off to thoughts of memes.

Her colleagues sighed.

They heard a crash and some cursing at the end of the hallway. Marie giggled "Score."

An unusually pale girl had duct tape tangled around her feet. From the looks of her, the Mortal Instruments Fandom.

"Jen... I know you kind of left, but can you, like, help?"

"Flocci non Facio, dude. And why the hell did you decide to be a vampire?"

Everyone else had no experience in latin, and was therefore extremely confused. "What?"

"Basically means, 'I don't give a shit'. Romans are badass, and I feel like trolling others."

And then she left.

The next day about fifty vampiristic students filed complaints about the duct taped hallways of the East Wing, Jennifer 'accidentally' threw down her computer from the fifth floor (Whatever, I'll get by with my phone for now), and Sake stopped eating all the soft tacos.

* * *

(1) I totally meant Homestuck trolls there. They are. Fucking. Awesome.


End file.
